The Last Hug

In a world of awkward personal space, I am a hugger.  I just love to hug others.  Big hugs, small hugs, long or short hugs. Even the occasional side hug.  I will take what I can get.  As an introvert, you would think opposite of my desire to shimmy up next to someone and hold them in a momentary embrace. But it’s true. Hugging is the best. 

Much like a solid handshake, I appreciate a good hug.  Firm, but not uncomfortable.  Trusting.  And just the right amount of time. “And hug….5…4…3…2…1″.  Sorry, some of you have experienced much longer hugs, that just means I really like you! 

For me, the hug is a vessel to pass energy to others. And on occasion, depending on if I feel a positive energy from them, I will actually withdraw a little from them to fill up my tank.  For the most part, my tank stays mostly full.  In fact, I remember filling my tank 100% full on March 9th, 2020.  Then slowly the messages of “social distancing” came trickling in from leaders and media.  6 feet apart. Do not hug.

Over the next few days, we went from hugging all the time for no apparent reason, to not even getting close enough to hug.  And then on March 17th lockdown came and we were “for the next several weeks” to work from home. Days and days of not seeing my co-Hearts and friends came.  Laughing as we gave virtual hugs over video conferences.  Then weeks. Then months.  Months of not seeing my friends, but also not seeing my family.  I could feel my tank running low. Very low. 

Now we are 8+ months into this global pandemic, and I can count on 2 hands the amount of true hugs I have given in that time (and most involve the same few people).  Several months ago we took a very quick 6 hour day trip to visit my 98 year old grandmother. To sit on her porch wearing masks, 10 feet apart down wind for about 45 minutes.  I gave her a super quick shoulder hug as we left, and that kept my tank above the mid-line.  Over the last few months, a few have been co-Hearts and few have been neighbors.  And with those, my tank has stayed just above “E”. 

On February 9th around 10:00am was the last time I hugged my mom and sister.  Around 1:00pm that same day was the last time I hugged my niece. No, nothing tragic happened and we still keep in weekly contact.  We had just wrapped up a girls weekend at my grandmothers.  But now I simply cannot remember the last time I hugged, or even physically saw, my dad. I know it was the Christmas Holidays, but to pinpoint to a day and time I simply cannot do.  Or my brother-in-law, or nephews. Gosh, so many loved ones.

This pandemic that has wrecked the world has also taken away my hugs. There will be people that I once hugged on the regular, that I may never hug (or even see) again. 

Every time I think of someone and the last time I saw them, I wonder…was that the last hug.